Alice

~Snow

Do you know what it’s like when you are too weak to run, to stand, to
scream, to die? You are too weak to move, you just lie there, with open
eyes. Tears roll down your soft cheeks because you know that you can do
nothing but lie there and wait for something to happen. Anything. Your heart
beats; you hear it pounding, slowly but surely. It beats and you are alive.
Are you? You can only lie there motionless. Not a sound escapes your lips,
no relieving sigh. Your eyes stare into nothingness. You’ve seen so much,
been through so much that you can’t go on any more. Your body refuses to
serve you.
You were just happy to be alive, without knowing why. But now? Not any more.
Can’t any more, no longer want to? Why live when you are only lying there.
Will it ever change? You try to command your legs to support you, make your
body obey you. Nothing happens. Slowly the snow falls on you. You see the
white snowflakes dancing before you, swirling and gently falling to the
ground. You feel their cold touch like an electric shock. You feel them
melt, although you though your skin was much colder.  The white blanket
grows steadily. You’ve lost your sense of time and space. It is dark is it
still night, or has the night returned?
Does it even matter as long as it’s dark? The snow stands out so brightly in
the darkness, wrapping itself around you like a blanket. You body has grown
numb. You feel nothing except fatigue. Everything is as white and soft as
your bed. But not warm. Is it warm? You struggle to concentrate, but cannot.
What is wrong with you? You can’t think clearly anymore, everything is so
numb. Nothing is understandable. You skin stings. What is wrong? What is
happening to you? Are you dying? You’re not dying, and you know it. You’re
alive. You fought for it. Inside the fight is still continuing, the endless
struggle for life or death. You let it. You don’t want to think about it, to
have to decide. You only want to lie there and watch the snow. Snow, snow,
snow.
You always loved the snow, even as a child, long before all this happened.
Long before they locked you up. Since then you haven’t seen any snow, except
through the bars of your window. You used to watch the flakes dance for
hours until they forced you away violently. In those hours you were almost
happy, like you are now. No matter how bad everything was, snow always
helped you as the winter warmed your heart. You’re only lying there. White
flakes in the darkness. The tears on your cheeks burn hot, separating
themselves from the snow. Cold snow; hot tears. All at once something
changes. You feel something warm on your frozen skin, something that doesn’t
belong there. Someone grabbed your arm, pulling you up. Carefully, softly,
powerfully. Your eyes are still staring at the faraway dancing snowflakes,
but you feel him. Warmth radiates from him as he gently supports you. He is
so war, warm and soft. You cannot defend yourself. You let him hole your
waist and support you. You know you couldn’t make it without him. He knows
it too. Your legs collapse beneath you although you can’t feel them. You
only feel him as he holds you. You hear him talking…to whom? Not with you,
you know that. He is talking to him…sharp voices.

We can’t leave her lying here. She is freezing, she would die and then it
would all go to waste. But somehow she must make it alone. She made it this
far without our help and she almost died. She’s still fighting but cannot
make it alone any longer. And she doesn’t have to. I will help her.

His voice is so warm, and soft like his body. Soft and warm, like home. You
are very weak but the pain is gone. Everything has gone numb in the snow.
The tears are still flowing over your cheeks as you stare at him, but he
wipes them away very gently, as if they were something precious. It will be
alright.
Alright? Is everything really going to be okay? How? You are too weak to
contradict him, even to shake your head. You try, wanting to show him that
you are still there, but your head sinks onto his shoulder. It’s okay, I’ll
take you away from here.
Away, away from here. Away from the snow? Away from the world? Away, away,
away. Your body is feeble, you let him lift you up. Your feet are no longer
touching the ground, everything floats into the distance.
Except for the snow, that is still dancing for you.

Special thanks to Angie for the translation!!!