Alice sat in front of the window her hands on he white trousers and she was glancing into the darkness like anything inside it would call her, force her to look more closely. Something hide in it, she knew it, she saw it. Long, long time ago. She’d been young and dreamy. She’d thought the darkness would be full of secrets just waiting to get discovered by her. Secreats only made for her.
The wonderland was just for her. Wonderland. Her wonderland. It was many years ago since she’d thought about it the last time. She was not allowed to think about it. It wasn’t ture, it never happened. There was no wonderland.
But the queen was still calling for her. The white rabbit: Follow the white rabbit. It did not let her off.
She followed the white rabbit more than once in her dreams. Had it been dreams? The teeparty? The cricket game? All the weired storys?
No dreams but memorys. Momorys still hunting her in her dreams, following her.
The reality became blurred with dreams. What was truth an what’s illusion?
The wonderland followed her ‘till here almost like she followed the rabit long time ago. She did not want to let it off and now the same thing seemed to happen with her.
Itsnottrue, itsnottrue, itsnottrue! She was mumbling that mantra over and over again. It couldn’t be true. She’d never followed a talking rabbit, she’d never dunk tea with the Rabbit and the Mad Hatter, she’d never played cricket with the Queen.
Just imaginations. She’d been only eaight years old maybe watched too much TV or read to many fairytales. It had never happened. There was no wonderland. Everybody was right she knew it.
Why had she told everyone there was a wonderland or a land behind the mirrors for so long?
There were no strange lands only this one, no others only this one. No others. This was her mantra she told herself over and over again.
Eyes appeared in the darkness before her, staring at her and Alice glanced stolid in another direction. She did not see the eyes and she didn’t see the boy whom they belong to. She didn’t see his long pointy ears and not the yellow shimmer in his eyes. She did not see him.
There is nothing. Out of sight, out of mind. If you do not see it it isn’t there.
“I am not mad”, she mumbled quietly. How could she be mad when she did not believe in it. Why were she here anyway? There’s no wonderland and she knew it. She knew it.
It had been imagination nothing more. A fantasy of a stupid eight year old child who hadn’t been able to shut up. But she was no stupid child anymore. She was too old for that and she did not believe in it.
She said it for so long every time someone asked her she answered like a good girl “There is no wonderland”.
But did she believe what she was saying? When there were so many doubts? No doubts, no wonderland.
Alice closed her tired eyes to get the eyes of the boy out of her head. There was no boy.
When she opened the eyes again the boy were gone. She smiled. No boy, no wonderland.
It was okay.
She heared the clink of keys from behind and turned around to stand up. A woman in white stepped into the room. She pushed a trolley in front of here and had a clipboard in her hand.
She donated a warm smile to Alice.
“Hello, Alice.”
“Hello, Nurse Mary”, Alice answered obedient.
“Time for your pills.” She gave a small mug full of collorful pills to Alice. For a momant Alice just stared at them. She did not want to take them. They would make her strange and staid and she just wanted to sleep after taking them. She would talk about strange stuff and dream her memorys of the wonderland which did not exist.
“Be a good girl, Alice. Take your pills and I’ll tell Dr. Stevens you’ve been bravely.”
Hopefully she looked up. “You’ll tell Dr. Stevens I’ve been a good girl and took my pills?”
“Of course, Alice.”
“You’ll tell him I am not insane? I am not, the wonderland do not exist.”
“Of course I will tell him, Alice.”
“And then I may go home?”
“If you’ll be a good girl and talke your pills I will put in a good word to the doctor for you.”
Alice nodded and lay the head to the neck. She closed the eyes and let the bitter pills fall into her mouth and swallowed hard.
“They are M&Ms. Just M&Ms.” But they did not taste like M&Ms
The nurse gave her a glass of water to drown them. She smiled tiredly. She felt like the medicaments began to work. Nurse Mary leaded her to her bed and helped her climbing in. Alone she’d been stumbled she could hardly hold herself straight.
The nurse turned her back to Alice to leave. She could not go yet! She had to know that she was not insane, yet! She had to tell the doctor.
“There is no wonderland. I am not mad. The wonderland does not exist! Thewonderlanddoesnotexist...”
Everything in front of her eyes blurried. Nurse Mary turned back to her and grinned to her widely. Too wide. Cashire Cat...
“I know, Alice. I’ll tell the doctor and maybe you may go home soon.”
Cashire-cat-nurse. Alice rose her hand weakly but the door slammed shut, keys were chinking and she was alone again. Cashire Cat, Cashire Nurse. Nurse Cat, Cat Nurse.
“The wonderland does not exist, no grinning Cashire Cat”, Alice mumbled. The darkness seemed to sink down on her. There were no secrets to discover. Just the darkness, only blackness, no wonderland. Only darkness.
She was not mad.