Alice

~Downfall

Darkness. Darkness. Darkness and colors. The darkness is full of colors, no colors. Colors?
Everything is spinning, nothing moves. I want to close my eyes but they are closed. I see nothing, I see everthing. Everything there. Nothing here.
What is happening to me? I fall. I fall deeper and deeper. Without moving. The darkness moves along. Does it? Nothing is moving. Am I moving? Yes.
I am falling. Falling deeper, deeper. Always in the rabbit hole. It did not change. It is deep, so deep…
Why do I keep on falling? Pictures pass on by but I can’t recognize them. I can’t see what’s on them. Colors…
Colors? Everything is blurry. My eyes hurt so much. I don’t feel the impact. If I do not feel it, does it even happen? I am at the end of the rabbit hole.
I don’t want to leave it. Outside are only mad people.
How can I know? Because I am mad, too. Am I mad? Am I insane? Somehow I can’t doubt it. But I don’t want to be insane. I have been insane for so long…
Is it over? It’s never over. I open my eyes. When did I close them?
The white rabbit is staring at me. Next to it is the boy. The boy from the asylum. The boy that does not exist.
He is no real boy. His skin has a pale green shimmer, his eyes are yellow, his ears pointy and his hair is like leaves. He is a wrong plant.
They stare at me. Why do they stare?
They talk but I can’t hear them. I hear nothing. Their lips are moving. Why is the floor so cold? Am I lying?
It’s so cold… I am warm. Everything around me is so wonderful calm… What do they say? The white rabbit is shaking its head and looks down on me. Why is it bigger than me?
I want to say something but now word comes over my lips. I don’t want to say anything anymore. Why should I? I am tired. It’s always the same. I say something and in the end something different happens. Not any more. Maybe I am insane.
I put my hands on the cold ground and try to bring myself up. I have trouble standing. Everything is spinning, nothing moves. I am so tired…
My blood is burning and etching in my veins. It is on fire and burns, burns, burns me from the inside.
Outside it is cold. Where is the heat. It’s so cold, cold, cold… Only my hands are warm. Warm and wet…
The rabbit and the boy are still staring at me. His yellow eyes are sparkling. The sound of his leafhair moving is brought to me, but I still hear nothing else.
Only the rustle of his leafhair. My legs are shaking, giving away under me. I fall to the ground. Pain is exploding in my knies, I my hands and I am screaming. I can’t hear it. The scream. Have I even screamed? It’s not possible that I screamed if I could not hear it. There was no scream.
My knees hurt. My hands hurt. I give up and don’t try to get up again. What for? Falling, falling until the impact. Falling, falling, down, down, down.
Everything is red. Why? I look to he ground and everything is red. My fingers go through the red color and I write my name. Alice. I giggle.
Alice, Alice, Alice. Be a good girl, Alice. Always so good. There is no wonderland, Alice. It was just a dream, Alice. Be a good girl and go to bed. Good girl, goodgirl, goodgirl, good…
Why is everything so red? My thoughts are wandering. I try to hold them. Red… I try to concentrate. Broken pieces. Were they here all along? Shattered glass. Glas. Behind the glass, behind the looking glass. Red…
Blood. Bloodblood, red blood. My blood. I stare at my bloody name. It is bleeding. Why? Why is my name bleeding?
Shattered glass everywhere. On the ground, on my trousers, in my hand.
Cutting flesh, separate it as easy as cutting through butter. Fascinated I watch the read stream flowing down my wrist. So pretty, so beautiful…
Slowly the pain sets in. Why does the color hurt? Why does anything hurt? I can’t hurt. He said it would go away if I take it. It always went away…
It mustn’t hurt! Must not? Must? Not. Hurt. I am dizzy. My lids are tired, to tired to close them. Falling, falling with me.
Falling to the ground. More pain, crunch, a lot of red. No more movement. Go away. Tired…
The glass is cutting through my skin into my flesh, rip it apart and free my heated blood. I want to scream, cry, move.
Not die. I am free, I don’t want to die. But then I could finally sleep. Sleep forever…
Delightful and tempting. The voices call my name, want me to come into the land of dreams. Not to wonderland. Thereisnowonderland. Good girl. Alice‘ name is bleeding. But why does it hurt when the name is bleeding? Does it hurt? I am hurting. Does it?
I am lying here. Lying and waiting for an end. Will there be an end? Tell me, will it end soon?
Does it end? Please tell me. Does it end?