Alice

~Heartbeats

It beats...I can hear it pounding. How can it be dead when I hear it
beating? Feel.
I feel it. It beats and that hurts. One cannot be dead when one has pain.
Can they?
Every part of me aches. My hear throbs excruciatingly in my chest, almost
tearing me as if it desires to force its way out. Like an animal, struggling
to regain his stolen freedom. What would it want outside? There people would
break it, hit it, kick it down, devour it, and destroy it; just like they
have tried to all these years. Yet it keeps on beating. Its beats turn
slower, deliberate. I’m relieved. It doesn’t hurt so badly anymore.
Everything else still hurts, but it doesn’t.
Its pulsations even out and don’t press against my chest so agonizingly
anymore. It is no longer fighting me. Maybe it doesn’t have any power to do
so anymore. Maybe it will stop altogether?
As I listen to its even rhythm I enjoy it somehow to hear it beat. I don’t
want it to grow quiet! I always want to hear it. I hadn’t believed that I
would ever hear it again. Why do I still hear it? Why am I still alive? Am I
still alive?
I can’t be dead; otherwise it would not be pounding. Right? Dead hearts
cannot beat. Maybe they can where I am. Where am I?
In Wonderland? Do dead hearts beat in Wonderland? No, even there they don’t.
Why not? Because there is no Wonderland? No, without doubt, that is certain.
Why am I thinking about it again? My thoughts twist.
My heart pulsates, throbs, beats, pounds. It feels so good. I revel in it,
would love to lie here forever enjoying the feeling of being alive. Alive…
why am I alive? My memories are faded. I can only remember blood…everything
so red, red from my blood. Broken glass, voices, blood. What happened? Where
am I?
Everything is dark and silent around me. The darkness is always silent. All
is noiseless except for the soft beating of my heart, which is almost faded
into the background because of the silence. I don’t want that. I always want
to hear it throbbing; for ever, never stop. My eyes are still closed. I
don’t want to open them, but it’s so dark. The darkness scares me even more.
What frightens me even more is the thought of what I will see when I open
them. What if I am back? Back in the psychiatric ward, locked far away, in a
room without windows, with thick walls where your screams fade away and seem
to have never existed? Would I be happy so still be alive and listen to my
heartbeats? What if I am still lying on the street, in the shards, in my own
blood, already so numb that I can’t feel anything? What if it just stops as
soon as I open my eyes? Completely stops beating and I can never again hear
the soothing throbbing? What if…? What if I am somewhere completely
different? Don’t know it that is better or worse. What if I just don’t open
my eyes? If I don’t care where I am, just as long as I’m here…wherever here
is.
Then I wouldn’t have to worry about if it is really positive that I hear it,
and I don’t have to bother about what to do next. Don’t have to plan
anything.
I don’t want to know. I only want to lie here, listen to my heartbeat and
hope it continues forever.

Special thanks to Angie for the translation!!!